Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
