I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
