I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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