This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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