Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
