mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
