Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
