my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
