the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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