My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My balls are so social today.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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