WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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