I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We are two peas in an std pod
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
