things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
