Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
