I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
