mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
