be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
