so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You did what with his pubic hair?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
