I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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