So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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