You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
