my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
