you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
