im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
