Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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