Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
