i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
