I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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