ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize