sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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