We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
