How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
