How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize