Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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