Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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