Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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