If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
