He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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