Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
