forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
