It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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