Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
