I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
