Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
