Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
