I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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