Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
