where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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