Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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