I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize