Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Houston, we have a blender
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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