Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Randomize
