Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
