i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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