Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Is Oprah even human
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
