upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
