WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I deserve this hangover.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
