i will never coherently bang her
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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