sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
