You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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