I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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