She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize