I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
