We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
