he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
