why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
