how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
