Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize