So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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